Monday, June 15, 2009
I am looking out my picture window right now, it is a beautiful day, birds singing, a gentle breeze and tufts floating around from Cottonwood trees. The stream is flowing after last nights heavy rain and everything is green, an early summer's green. But as I sit here I am stuck in my head, thoughts whirling around, as if they were shoved into the washing machine and set to spin. The spin cycle doesn't work if the clothes are already dry. So why are they spinning? I had a run in with someone the other day. She yelled at me and now refuses to look at me. What I have learned is that I do not need friendships that end in anger. What I have yet to learn is that not everyone has to like me. I still find my sense of self from the faces looking at me, the words said about me, the grades given my essays. Am I a straight A student or a friend who listens, or am I a child of God, lovable in every way. It seems like the leap is hard for me to make, but maybe I do not have to leap. Maybe just a step will do. Maybe I can let go of this budding friendship and look at all of the beautiful people I have in my life already who love me to pieces. Maybe one day I can get to the place where a B just means I need more practice instead of that I am not worth an A. Maybe, just maybe.