Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Treadmill: you all know where this one is going

It has been snowing / raining for a week here in the beautiful Berkshires. This has had a huge effect on part of my daily spiritual practice, running. The even rhythm of feet on pavement, the time alone with Spirit, and breathing in fresh air seems to keep me sane during any life situation. There are many people out there who haven't encountered my wrath solely because I take the time to run in the morning. This week it had been a few days, the snow, the streets filled with gushing water and careening cars kept me from my normal routine (it does seem to take a lot to keep me on an even keel.) So I decided to go to the gym and log in my miles on the treadmill. I really had good intentions. However I started to feel trapped around mile 3, and by the 4th I was counting down the tenths, feeling my anxiety level raise. This does not usually happen when I run. The treadmill for me was similar to my life before sobriety and entrance into a semi spiritual lifestyle. Ten years ago I was running to get somewhere but never actually arriving at a destination. I was trapped by an unhealthy lifestyle, thinking that I would actually get somewhere, and then experiencing despair when I didn't. Today, despite the incredible load of work I have heaped in my bowl, I am extremely grateful for the life that I am living. I have an amazing family, network of friends, home and education. The snow sits on the trees creating a magical kingdom that glistens. I have a coffee, a few free minutes and this laptop on which to write. I am no longer on the treadmill.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

This Camel's Cooked

The semester is underway and I find myself being overwhelmed with too much work and not enough time to accomplish this work. Life details are beginning to seem like immense hurdles to leap over. The sink full of dishes becomes a mountain, the trip to the bank to get a money order for rent seems like a four hour trip. Life starts to spin out of control. Well, it seems to become out of control. I had tickets for a lecture this past Wednesday. When I got to the lecture hall, the tickets weren't in my purse where I placed them. This was the proverbial straw. The camel was out of commission and life turned catastrophic. Well, it seemed catastrophic. What I realize today, after time has passed, is that the problem isn't the chaos. The problem is my attitude and my choices. I chose to take on five classes against better judgment. I also chose to "figure it out" without the guidance of my Creator. I turn the big stuff over on a daily basis, those things which I cannot control, death, divorce, fire, and illness. I forget that God is not going to laugh at me or ignore my request for help with time management skills, or a little inspiration for a short story, or even help with the dishes (I do have a teen living with me.) Today I will ask my God for a little assistance with my homework, with my attitude and with the sink full of dishes that awaits me at home.