Make lemonade, they say. I think that I am about to disagree. In order to make lemonade one must add sugar, lots of sugar. Sugar rots your teeth. Instead, why not make a new drink altogether? After all, lemonade is over rated. As some may know I have been actively looking for a full time teaching position. One such position had opened in a community of which I was a part, my dream job with supportive people and kids I adore. I have worked part time in this community for three years now, and found out last week that someone with more experience and expertise was hired. Lemons...I could add a bunch of sugar. But does this rejection mean that I have been forcing myself into a world in which I do not fit? Sure, I could continue looking for that elusive position, even widen my search to schools within a two hour commuting time, but if I need to add sugar, why not just have a different drink altogether? If I cannot fit into a community of which I was an active participant, then maybe I am looking in the wrong places. I love to teach. I love working with young adults. I love literature and writing. But does that mean that I would love teaching literature and writing to young adults? There has to be something that I am missing.
It was 1am when I wrote this. I had found out the day before that I did not get my dream job. I had been crying and could not sleep. I had forgotten the greater purpose, forgotten that God never leads me astray. I had been trying to fit myself into that square hole again. Maybe because of fear, fear that I will continue to struggle financially, fear that I'll never have enough. And they are valid fears, I have defaulted on student loans and I cannot seem to keep up with my bills on the income I have been earning. I think that fear has blinded me to a world of possibilities other than that road which seems to be the right choice because others have taken it. If I were not afraid, what would I do? Would I be a writer who teaches or a teacher who writes? A year from now I will return to this post, and say, "ah, that is what the Universe was thinking." Today, not so much. But for that few moments when I sat down at the keyboard and typed, I was no longer the square peg. I think I am going to make a smoothie instead, much healthier.
What next?
Did another dream job show up? I am in a similar situation seeking work after I resigned from a 4 year job with a company that held different values and ethics to myself. was my decision to leave an emotional and irresponsible one??
ReplyDeleteSorry, forgot one thing, a book that has helped me immensely. Mike Jaffe's book, Wake Up Your Life Is Calling. He followed his gut and took a later train one morning, so he could spend time with his family for breakfast. The day was September 11, and he worked in the World Trade Center. He has since abandoned his finance career and is now a life coach and motivational speaker...
DeleteHi, I do have a possibility in the pipeline. But it made me think of where I am heading. I started to write more, and after a week of yoga, am applying for the yoga teacher training program, where hopefully I can combine some skills. The last time this happened to me, I landed at Mount Holyoke College, an experience which changed my life. It is always easier to see that in hind sight, but while I am going through it I forget. I feel that we have to be true to ourselves, that the energy that comes with finding and fulfilling your passions is powerful. I feel that you can be true to your values and ethics and find fulfilling work. Hang in there, it is such a brave thing to do.
ReplyDeleteYour post resonates with me as you point to the difficulties of balancing your ideas and seeing the big picture when the practical realities of life demand attention.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that my teachers: Deepak Chopra, Wane Dyer,
Eckhart Tolle to name but a few all seem to have financial security but them not being financially secure would not change my life!
I guess how you look at things can really change your life. .
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.
hers I've had in the past (WayI think that the teachers I've had who say
Sometimes I think that the process of letting go of financial insecurity is what brings us closer to the Divine. Or that is what I see when I look at the spiritual teachers I admire...
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