Fighting with God: Round Two, Tea Time

I had a dream last night, where I sat in front of a machine that doled out coins, one at a time, in a slow methodical fashion. I sometimes feel that the Universe does this to me, doling out what I need, one thing at a time, never an outpouring, just a coin here and a coin there. Of course this is not the way the Universe works. There is an infinite abundance out there waiting for me, infinite love, security, laughter, and as Mike Dooley would say, possibilities. The problem dear reader is what is always is, me. M. E. Somehow, at some point I convinced myself that I was only worthy of just a little, a trickle, so that is what I receive. And when I ask for help, I only ask for just enough, just a bit. Now I have done enough work on myself to know that I am a child of God, that I am worthy of plugging into the power of the Universe. But today I overslept, I forgot to eat until 2pm and was unable to take my stress relieving six mile run per usual. It is freezing rain outside and I am "trapped" at home with me, myself and I (and a surly teenager). I have no boyfriend next to me to reassure me that I am worthy, I am a grown up so my parents aren't going to come into my room with milk and cookies and kind words. It is just us, me, myself and God. God, the one who I am mad at, again, although today the anger has softened at the edges. I have seven cents in my pocket and an almost empty oil tank. I have one semester of school to go until I am employable. If I am to pull through this I better have God, because, I know, from past experiences that when I turn my will and life over to my God, the pieces of my life fall into place. I just happen to be trying to jam the wrong piece into a jigsaw and getting frustrated when it doesn't fit. Again I need to out down the boxing gloves and do the next right thing. I will email, yet again the woman at the fuel assistance office. I will write another blog post, start my homework, peek at my resume and scrape off my car. I will fill my belly with food and light a fire in the fireplace, and I will connect with God. I will steep myself in God's love, I will leave the teabag in, just for today, because I am worth it. And tomorrow I will set my alarm and start again.

Surfacing

I recently went through a dark period, where I was oozing negativity and self pity. I believe that I hit a bottom of sorts, like diving into a pool and touching the floor. Instead of staying underwater and holding my breath, I chose to push myself back to the surface. This resurfacing has been an exhilarating process, mostly because I gave myself a hard push, I didn't wait to float slowly. I placed my feet on the bottom and used all of my strength to push. This push came from a daily practice of radical gratitude and love. I listened to an inspirational CD about the power of attraction and love to escape my thinking and started to repeat the words "thank you" over and over. I told each driver that passed me that "I love you." I started to stay present for short periods of time (ten seconds or so.) I allowed my Higher Power back into my life. Fear and poverty consciousness has a way of debilitating me, pushing me underwater where I forget to breathe and feel the weight of the world pressing in. Allowing for gratitude forces me to see miracles, to experience miracles and remember that I am never alone, ever. This time it wasn't enough to ask my God for help, I had to actively take the help by forcing myself to see the world as a blessing. I had to do the work first and then God took over. Today I watched my Siberian huskies romp in the two feet of snow that fell overnight. I ran behind them feeling the joy that is available to me if I only get out of my own way. Thank you for this glorious day.