Random Acts of Kindness

My weekend ritual includes a trip to my local Dunkin, for a very large super caffeinated coffee. This morning, the young woman manning the drive through told me that she is very happy to see me pull up because I am always so kind, and usually people aren't. This comment made my day, I felt amazing, pulling out and heading home (not because of the lack of kind people out there). The simple act of kindness, of connecting with strangers, is divinity in action. I cherish the "relationships" I have with local workers, the folks who greet me by name at the turnpike exit everyday, and the stories of their lives that I receive, bit by bit, add dimension to my day. I refuse to get an easy pass because it would mean that I wouldn't find out where someone went for their four day weekend, and no one would ask me when my next race was. I was disturbed recently to find that a large grocery store was handing out self scanners. You scan your own groceries before placing them into a bag. This conveniently eliminates the need to converse with anyone while shopping. I enjoy asking cashiers how their day is going, and then listening as they tell me that their grandson is sick or that they have a doctors appointment coming up. I feel as if I am part of a community, I am a thread within the divine web. Technology has both created more and cut many existing connections we have with our fellow man. We are available 24 hours a day to receive phone calls or emails, but we lose the face to face conversations that bring us in contact with other people. So for today I am saying no to easy pass, to hand held scanners and to self checkouts. I cherish the connections I have with people out in the community. I enjoy being someone who makes others smile, it is a gift that is returned to me tenfold. Try it, you might like it.

Worshipping at the Altar of Technology

I have been fascinated with new technology recently, ipads, Kindle, Smartphones and other shiny new expensive items that gently lure in unsuspecting victims. This is a new phenomenon for me however. I was the last in my family to get a cellphone, pleading ignorance and standing tall and proud among the 27 people (and my dog) left without one. What is it about constantly connecting with the outside world, with cyber space, with information? Why do I need to have access to my email, Facebook and library 24 hours a day, wherever I am? Is technology slowly replacing a Spiritual connection that Man has extricated himself from? For all its bells and whistles, or actually, beeps and flashing lights, technology can sometimes create larger problems in the communications arena. We now have to practice restraint of tongue and pen, as well as email and texting. How many stories have you heard lately of drunken texts on a Saturday night? Now the evidence is there, for replay or display. No longer can you tell your good buddy that she was imagining your slurred diatribe, because buddy has it right there, on her cellphone. I made the mistake of spouting off via text a few weeks ago and my relationship paid the price. Words are powerful, and when written and sent, the receiver has no access to inflection of voice or any explanation. They are left with five angry sentences, or are they tearful sentences? Or was it a joke? It is up to the receiver to interpret. Interpersonal communication is normally a two way street. Technology has made it one way, and without the sign to warn you not to enter. Crashes do occur. So I did indulge and bought the cell phone and I am happily downloading Boethius and Boccaccio for free (I guess they aren't that popular these days.) My relationship survived the evil text, but only after an hour of face to face conversation. Maybe there can be a compromise. All I know is that I just got a text, gotta run.

Tolerance and Pity, oh my

A few weeks ago I reacted strongly to a statement made by someone in my spiritual discussion group. As I am still stewing and chewing, I thought it best to explore why two words can set my blood a boil. The two offending words, "tolerance" and "pity." As a writer I am amazed at the power words have, they initiate world movements, hurt and also heal. I started to play around in the dictionary, flipping the pages with my self righteous indignation. How can someone say they pity another? Yes, she said that she pitied the other sick people out there. It may seem harmless and possibly even compassionate, but pity seems to be a feeling that is removed from the object or person to which it is directed. If I pity you, I am in effect in a better position than you, maybe I am not as sick as you so feel pity for your condition.  The same goes with tolerance, it suggests a separation between tolerator and toleratee (not exactly a word but stay with me here.) The Bhagavad Gita says, "They live in wisdom who see themselves in all and all in them, who have renounced every selfish desire and sense craving tormenting the heart" (2: 55). I am the person I pity, I tolerate or I anger toward. I am that woman who pities others, I am the woman who feels anger at the use of a condescending word. Now what to do with it? Do I have to be right? Well, kind of, but then if I were to say, go to God and just ask for a little, what, empathy? We are all connected. I see in others, I react to the things others do and say, things that I still have inside. My reaction tells me that I need to look at my own life, my own spiritual practice and see where I have been sliding. Have I been meditating? No. Journaling? No. Today freezing rains pelts the Berkshires and I am tucked safely in my apartment, a fire in the fireplace, teenager listening to music, quiet music, and all is well. I can take this time, this time without the hustle of my busy overfilled life and quiet down, breathe and pray. I can journal and maybe even meditate, the very things that bring balance and serenity back in. I can feel empathy, and I can let go of something said over fourteen days ago. Maybe. Progress not perfection right?

Fighting with God: Round Two, Tea Time

I had a dream last night, where I sat in front of a machine that doled out coins, one at a time, in a slow methodical fashion. I sometimes feel that the Universe does this to me, doling out what I need, one thing at a time, never an outpouring, just a coin here and a coin there. Of course this is not the way the Universe works. There is an infinite abundance out there waiting for me, infinite love, security, laughter, and as Mike Dooley would say, possibilities. The problem dear reader is what is always is, me. M. E. Somehow, at some point I convinced myself that I was only worthy of just a little, a trickle, so that is what I receive. And when I ask for help, I only ask for just enough, just a bit. Now I have done enough work on myself to know that I am a child of God, that I am worthy of plugging into the power of the Universe. But today I overslept, I forgot to eat until 2pm and was unable to take my stress relieving six mile run per usual. It is freezing rain outside and I am "trapped" at home with me, myself and I (and a surly teenager). I have no boyfriend next to me to reassure me that I am worthy, I am a grown up so my parents aren't going to come into my room with milk and cookies and kind words. It is just us, me, myself and God. God, the one who I am mad at, again, although today the anger has softened at the edges. I have seven cents in my pocket and an almost empty oil tank. I have one semester of school to go until I am employable. If I am to pull through this I better have God, because, I know, from past experiences that when I turn my will and life over to my God, the pieces of my life fall into place. I just happen to be trying to jam the wrong piece into a jigsaw and getting frustrated when it doesn't fit. Again I need to out down the boxing gloves and do the next right thing. I will email, yet again the woman at the fuel assistance office. I will write another blog post, start my homework, peek at my resume and scrape off my car. I will fill my belly with food and light a fire in the fireplace, and I will connect with God. I will steep myself in God's love, I will leave the teabag in, just for today, because I am worth it. And tomorrow I will set my alarm and start again.

Great Expectations

I have always harbored a negative connotation for the word "expectation" and I am not sure why. Some folks say that expectations are premeditated resentments. This can be true, although an expectation is awaiting a future event, but I seem to place expectations on people as well. I expect that so and so will do this, or act in such a way. I believe that I set the bar extremely high so that when one does not live up to my ideal I will have an excuse to a) feel sorry for myself or b) feel superior. What is missing is a positive expectation, such as "I expect that this day will be amazing, fantastic and filled with wonder." Why does my human brain go right into a fear- based attitude? Am I devolving? Am I returning to my cave girl roots when I needed to be prepared for hungry T-Rex s, or rather saber - toothed tigers? I somehow need to train my brain to expect positive outcomes rather than heading straight to fear. Life isn't meant to be difficult, it is meant to be filled with love. I usually place expectations on those that are closest to me, and rather than ask for what I need in a relationship I expect the other person to read my mind and provide me with whatever it is that they supposedly should be providing me with. This is not fair to others. It also leaves my Higher Power standing there, ready to provide me with what I actually need rather than what I think I need. So my expectations are one more thing that keep me from a full and loving relationship with God. Plain and simple. Today I am choosing to turn over my expectations to my God. I know that in doing so I will have an amazing love-filled day. As long as I remember that whatever happens in this day is for my highest good. I don't plan on meeting any hungry extinct creatures and should stop planning for their arrival. Instead I look forward to a day brimming with light and love. There, that's not so scary is it?

Surfacing

I recently went through a dark period, where I was oozing negativity and self pity. I believe that I hit a bottom of sorts, like diving into a pool and touching the floor. Instead of staying underwater and holding my breath, I chose to push myself back to the surface. This resurfacing has been an exhilarating process, mostly because I gave myself a hard push, I didn't wait to float slowly. I placed my feet on the bottom and used all of my strength to push. This push came from a daily practice of radical gratitude and love. I listened to an inspirational CD about the power of attraction and love to escape my thinking and started to repeat the words "thank you" over and over. I told each driver that passed me that "I love you." I started to stay present for short periods of time (ten seconds or so.) I allowed my Higher Power back into my life. Fear and poverty consciousness has a way of debilitating me, pushing me underwater where I forget to breathe and feel the weight of the world pressing in. Allowing for gratitude forces me to see miracles, to experience miracles and remember that I am never alone, ever. This time it wasn't enough to ask my God for help, I had to actively take the help by forcing myself to see the world as a blessing. I had to do the work first and then God took over. Today I watched my Siberian huskies romp in the two feet of snow that fell overnight. I ran behind them feeling the joy that is available to me if I only get out of my own way. Thank you for this glorious day.

Gratitude

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.