Fighting with God: Round One

God and I are fighting. Rather, I am throwing a temper tantrum and God is the target. When I am fighting with God I am forgetting all that I receive in a daily basis. I am not practicing gratitude. I still am ticked, and tired and scared, and I know that my Higher Power is the only one I can yell at, curse, and still be loved unconditionally. So yesterday I screamed, I ranted, I raved and God loved and loved and loved, and told me quietly to get my resume in order. This morning I moaned and groaned and wallowed. And God told me gently to write. So my well isn't working, my heat isn't working and my pantry is almost empty and I moan and cry and pray. And God is there, taking the blows until I calm down, breathe and acknowledge what I have, amazing gifts, friends, family, laughter, and joy. Because when it really comes down to it, I am not actually fighting with God, I am fighting with myself. I am the one that made the choices that inevitably brought me to the present situation. And I am also close to accomplishing two major goals, graduating from college and obtaining a divorce. When I come close to making life easier for myself I seem to end up creating a wee bit of chaos, just to shake things up a bit. Because as much as I am afraid of failing, of falling on my face and losing what I have and of not making it, I am petrified of succeeding. I am like a boxer in the ring, waiting to be knocked out so I don't have to have my hand raised high with a referee shouting "winner." That pesky little fear is at it again, this time it snuck in the backdoor when I was feeling connected to Spirit. So just for today I am going to put the gloves down, because when I am fighting it, God cannot help me. Today no one wins, but today I surrender.

Survival Means Forgetting God

This is my brain, well, maybe it is a representation of my brain. Right there in the Pons and Medulla is where my primal instincts reside, instincts that have been firing lately, that have been literally kicking my butt. These instincts tell me to collect, to hold, to keep everything I have and not let go because my survival is at stake. I know for a fact that whenever I turn my will and my life to my God and let go, miraculous things happen, my world opens up and opportunities fall at my feet. I am in survival mode however, stuck in the brain stem. Being a full time student I have been living on a drastically reduced income. This is my third year of doing so, and I know that the ends always get met, that I always manage to muddle through. Lately however I feel that a primal part of me has taken over, and that primal part is tired of getting calls from bill collectors, is tired of waking up in the middle of the night wondering how to pay my car insurance and is tired of wondering just how I am going to provide enough food for a teenage boy to live on. Usually when I get into this mode I can turn to my spirituality, but I am tired and I am scared and I am afraid and exhausted. I want the degree so that I will be employable, I just have to make it another four months. The answer, blah, blech, I know the answer. It is gratitude, it is prayer and meditation, it is looking at the world with wonder and it is allowing others to help me, it is asking for help and it is knowing that God will provide. Today, just for today as I sit in front of the fire place, waiting for my fuel assistance to finally go through, I can be grateful for how much I do have, health, family and friends, shelter, food enough for today, a car, and the ability to run. I am rich, I have a full magnificent life, I just need to stay away from the fear that takes over when I go into survival mode. Pesky little Medulla.

New Years

Happy New Year everyone. A few days ago we celebrated the beginning  of 2011  and the time of year when we set goals for the upcoming 365 days. One notices an increase in fellow folk at the gym and a decrease in the packs of cigarettes sold per day. For me however, a year is too large a chunk of time to plan for and my goals become unmanageable. I go for the "lose 20 pounds" instead of "eat healthier." All I have is today, all I can handle is today. My New Years Resolutions this year? Not to make a resolution and stay in the day, remain in the moment and set small doable goals for myself. Today I will remember that every day is a fresh start, I don't have to radically change my life on January 1, I can make small changes throughout the year. That feels doable.

Plowing the Road to Happy Destiny

Whenever one thinks of this journey we call life, one may always call to mind a reference to a road. After all we travel from destination to destination following paths laid down by people who came before us. We have all used this road metaphor. Seneca said, "It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness."  Agree, although paving might be an easy solution. Someone else once said that the road to happiness was paved with good intentions and The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck has just celebrated its 25th anniversary. Even Dan Quayle tried to use the road metaphor, unsuccessfully, when he said, "My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right." Charles de Lint stated, "When all's said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it's not so much which road you take, as how you take it." So life is a journey, you can bushwack or take the well traveled path, or the road less traveled or just skip the journey and have seat, eat an ice cream sundae and wait for folks to come to you. However I digress. An anonymous friend of mine wrote that he wanted his friends to join him as he trudged the road to happy destiny. I think I will, although first I see my road needs a good plow. Cleaning my side of the street might not be enough, I need a large state vehicle with extra long plow and studded snow tires. Because my mind is running, 24 hours a day and keeps dumping crap in the way. "I'm not good enough." Or, "life is hard, and scary." Sometimes even, "I can't do this anymore." I spent an entire day wallowing in the fact that I forgot to turn an assignment in, which made me an impossible failure. Where do I find a snow plow in these parts? Unfair question in New England I suppose, but instinct tells me I can find it in God, in prayer and meditation. I can find it by sharing my feelings with another so that I know I am not alone. Yogi Berra said, "If you arrive at a fork in the road take it." I say, "But plow it first."

Writer's Doubt

Move over writer's block, you I can handle, what is kicking my butt today is writer's doubt, that little nagging sense in my brain that says: "are you sure you can do this?" I opened a much anticipated email the other day, only to read the words: "Although you were among many talented applicants, I am unable to fit you into the class. You are being placed on  the waiting list." To me this actually says, you suck, but if one of the brilliant students that got into the class drops it there will be a place for you. I was struck by a huge case of Writer's Doubt, with all the symptoms, tears, self pity, and a drive to McDonalds for an employment application. Yes I know that it is just one part of being a writer, learning to accept rejection. I'm just not very good at it (learning to accept rejection that is) although those days when writer's doubt manifests I believe that I can't write either. I sit here, tapping away at the keys, writing a post for this blog and wonder who exactly will read these words, besides my mother (hey mom are you out there?) What is the purpose of writing if no one reads your words? Is it like the tree in the woods, falling? Does it create a sound if no one is there? Therein lies the problem. My problem. Not only am I afflicted with writer's doubt, I have also forgotten that I believe in a Higher Power that loves me, that is always there, no matter what. I need to return to my basic need for words, because I need them as much as I need air, food and sunlight. I need to write because my soul craves it, because it allows me to become a better person, it enables me to purge the fear and the doubt, to place them on the page, so that when I enter the world what is left is love and wacky hair. So I guess the cure for writer's doubt is God, plain and simple, whatever that vision of God looks like. Today if I remember that I am never alone, that my Universe is here with me right now, reading over my shoulder, the tears and the fears and the doubt disappear. Is there anybody out there?  Yes.

"The Power of Intention"

Recently Hay House sent "Daily Grace" a copy of The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way by Wayne Dyer. This edition of the 2004 book is beautifully illustrated by Jui Ishida. The website states, "Dr. Wayne W. Dyer has researched intention as a force in the universe that allows the act of creation to take place. This book explores intention—not as something you do—but as an energy you’re a part of. We’re all intended here through the invisible power of intention. This is the first book to look at intention as a field of energy that you can access to begin co-creating your life with the power of intention." Having been a fan of Dr. Dyer's for years, the words on the pages were familiar and inspirational. What impressed me  however, was the artwork and design of this edition. I remembered buying my first copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay with its gorgeous pages. Before this starts to sound like an ad for my beloved authors I wish to point out the power of the printed word. Books are special, growing up I collected books, carefully signing my name on the cover before inserting a library card into the back for stamping with its due date. Books engage the senses, sight, touch, and smell. Walk into a used bookstore and you will know of what I speak. I bought a copy of Wordsworth's poetry at an antiquarian bookstore that was published in 1904. The cover was decorated with gold and mauve details, the paper was high quality, the book was printed with care. Picking up a beautiful book is like enjoying a cup of coffee in Italy. The quality is present and the experience of drinking is as important as the product. For me, it is the same with books. I like to have a tactile experience with books, I want to feel the paper, and feast my eyes on the words as I turn the pages. I watch as booksellers are beginning to push digital books and feel a sense of loss. Yes, technology will take over the book world, but at what cost? Reading is an experience, and with certain books it is a special experience. I can read online, yes, but give me a book, a roaring fire and comfy chair and you have given me heaven. So back to intention. Dyer explains how to use the power of intention to create a fulfilling life. He said, "Intention is a force in the Universe, and everything and everyone is connected to this invisible force." What I put out, I receive. This I am constantly learning, my recent exam experience (see previous post) confirms this. Dr. Dyer's book, along with many others, shows me ways to continue working with intention. Back to reading.

Just Do It

I traveled to Brookline Massachusetts Sunday, 270 miles round trip to see one of my favorite speakers, Mike Dooley, author of Notes from the Universe. It was well worth the drive and Christ's Church Unity welcomed me into their fold and made me feel part of the family. As I am not a big fan of organized religion, I was surprised to enjoy the service which included a meditation, song and readings from scripture. One of the points that Mike stressed after the service in his talk, was gratitude. As we open ourselves to gratitude, instead of focusing on the lack in life, the floodgates of the Universe open and possibilities gush right in. You'll have to explore the book, Manifesting Change: It Couldn't Be Easier if you want to know more about manifesting, but I have been toying with his teachings for years, and can say without a doubt that if I practice radical gratitude, my life changes. No buts, no ifs, it changes. I also become a nicer gal in the process. I had an exam to take the day after the lecture, and as I found out, it is very hard to study in the car on the turnpike while driving near Boston. I know, kind of stupid, but it was a major exam and I made the choice to see Mike (and get my book signed, yippee) so was a little behind in my schoolwork. The day of the exam I let my God take over and instead of bemoaning the fact that I would fail because I didn't have enough time to study, I told everyone around me that I was going to rock the exam. I did, the material on the exam was material I knew and enjoyed writing about. I was happy to take it. No, Pollyanna didn't overtake my body, I just experienced what it feels like to live a full, meaningful life that is graced with gratitude and a positive attitude. How do I allow God into my life? How do I practice gratitude when I don't want to? How do I allow magnificence in? Nike knows the answer. Just do it. And if you don't, quit complaining. And remind me next time I forget.