Connection

Today a replica of my car drove by on the turnpike, same color, same make and model. I ended up by chance following the car on my journey home after a grueling day of classes and rushing and errands galore. We were 2 very blue cars driving in the rush hour traffic, but when he finally turned to follow his own route he waved out the window right as I was waving to him. A seemingly insignificant moment tucked into a day jam packed with many insignificant moments, but the connection I had with an unknown driver (we both after all have great taste and are environmentally and economically conscious) made my day. It was the smallest of connections, something my primate brain needs throughout the day. If I choose to look for them I can find a connection with almost everyone I meet as I go through my day. The mail carrier could have a love for large dogs, maybe even be a husky owner. The receptionist at the dentist's office could be a vegetarian. The cashier at Price Chopper could be training for a marathon. We are connected with our human family whether we like it or not. Even a mass murderer has a mother who gave birth to him or her. Even the Republican down the road just wants to support their family. We all just want to connect in some shape or form. Today I choose to remember the moment between me and mystery Yaris man, because for that brief second I wasn't driving alone in my car at the end of a long grueling day. I was connecting with another human being on his respective journey.

Running

I posted a one liner on Facebook a few months ago, "May you always run downhill." This revelation had come after I had completed a five mile run with a few difficult hills followed by the blessing of a downhill sprint. I love running downhill, the wind in my hair, the quickened pace, the joy. But if I am always running down, I never receive the benefits of the climb, number one being stronger legs and being able to squeeze into my jeans post washing. I also don't get the exhilaration when I finally make it to the top, the challenge having been met. Yesterday I ran Blue Hill Road, a one mile incline, an endless incline where at every corner the hill gets steeper. I ran, I didn't stop, and at the top I felt elation, I had done it, I had spanked that hill. If I can do Blue Hill, what else can I do in life? Maybe ask for help when it is scary, or publish a book and actually hand it to someone and say, "here, read this, these are my words that I received while in meditation or prayer. These are my intimate moments with God, put down on paper." Maybe I could just do that. Maybe I could do anything that scares me, because I was able to make it up that hill, me - ex smoker, ex gym class reject. So today my perspective has changed. "May you run downhill after you have had the opportunity to run up."

Spring's Third Day

has arrived.

The Carnival is Coming, or The Carnival is Here

Recently I have been likening my head to a carnival, not my haircut, although it has been humid today and the poodle act needs to be filled, but the thoughts that incessantly race all day long.
The Hall of Mirrors: Ok, I really am not as fat as I think I am, or stupid, lazy, slow, etc. I view myself in a distorted way, so it is important to rely on a trusted group of friends to tell me the truth. Yes Laura, the 18 gallons of ice cream you ate last week did add to your heft, or no Laura, you actually did a good job there.
Games: I or rather, my head, loves to play games, not board or sport, but what-if games, and games of strategy. If I say this to that person will this this person do that? And, the famous, he loves me, he loves me not game that we learn as teens.
Concession stands: Food, fill er up with high calorie, high fat foot that will deplete all the energy from your body. Eat some fried dough, bloomin' onion, french fries, ribs and follow it up with a little ice cream. Then puke, and feel like crap the next day. Sometimes my head likes to run off into these heavy, calorie-laden negative thoughts, and when I go there, when I sit on that pity pot and stew, I feel lethargic, tired and nauseous. Fill my head with gratitude however and I am light as a bird, my entire body chemistry changes.
Rides: Up and down, around and around, this is just what my head is like everyday. How many times can I hold an argument with the cashier from Stop and Shop, the same thing, the same lines, over and over? Get over it, it is done, move on, get off the #$%^ ride and do some yoga already.
Petting Zoo: If it were possible to tape record the thoughts that run through my head on a given day, I would hear a lot of this: baaaabaaa, mooo, cluck cluck cluck. Ok, give a nice pat, say hi and walk away. How many thoughts does a human have in a day? Thousands? And how many thoughts are forced upon us through advertising? Countless. Time to leave the carnival and attempt to spend a few minutes with prayer and meditation. The carnival is great a few times a year, but overindulgence leads to sickness. Although I am having a hunkering for a little cotton candy. Hmmm

Good Fences Make What?

Good tomatoes? "Boundary," it's a dirty word, I know. It is also something that I don't know how to make or keep, especially in intimate relationships. I either push people away, or attach myself so completely that I smother them, thus pushing them away. I know that I have a hard time being in a healthy relationship, it is a daily struggle to remain open to love and acceptance. I have been swinging to the extremes lately, I either set someone up to fall short of my high standards or expectations so I can say, "see, they don't love me, here they forgot I existed," or I base my emotional security on how they act. This way, I never truly am responsible for the way I feel. I have known friends that try to help me, yet I take their words of wisdom and somehow mutate them so that it sounds as if I am not worthy. The longer I follow this spiritual path, the trickier my character defects become and they have been sneaking in the back door recently. "Don't worry about that," doesn't mean, "I don't want you in my life." It means, "don't worry about that." I was thinking about boundaries today on my run. As it was the first mile or so I was still stewing over some perceived slight. I passed a porcupine, the expert on boundaries. Yes I can protect myself, but I also need to have an exposed side, a side that allows love in. Porcupines don't shoot quills, but if you get too close when they feel threatened you'll feel it. Creating boundaries is about having protection, but also knowing when there is an actual threat. Knowing that comes from having a little bit of trust, and the first one I should trust is God. I don't have to erect a fence, but I do need to know when I am threatened and when someone is acting out of love. And to know that I need to be vulnerable and listen to God, not build a fence or shoot (barbs) before asking.

Am I Prejudiced?

I was at the dog park this morning with the "kids," listening in on a conversation between some of the other "parents." One asked another, (both had second homes in the area) whether they had experienced any prejudice toward out of towners from the locals. Apparently this gentleman had been accused of being "one of those 212ers," another way of saying a rich New Yorker. When I think of prejudice I think of someone who hates minorities. But there are many sneaky forms of prejudice out there, many of which I have to admit to being guilty of. One just could be toward those "rich New Yorkers." Having lived in this beautiful rural area my whole life, I have been witness to the influx of second home owners, and loss of local wild spaces as "McMansions" are built, large hideous structures lived in for 3 months out of the year. But not all second homeowners buy into the sprawl that greedy companies have cashed in on (yes you Mr. begins with an 'A'). My attitude toward these people, people I know and like, is plain and simple prejudice, and the energy I create when feeling it disturbs my serenity. Not only am I blocking relationships with others, I am cutting myself off from the abundance this world has to offer. If I have a thing against rich people how is the Universe going to come in and say, "hey Laura, I think you've lived in poverty long enough, let's give you a little influx of cash." It just ain't happening. So I need to look at my attitude toward "others," including folks who drive behemoth gas-guzzling vehicles. What am I getting from this self righteous behavior? Perhaps a feeling of superiority? Am I overcompensating for a lack of self esteem, or am I just plain scared? It is probably fear, I am afraid of getting fat, smoking, single handedly destroying the environment and while we are at it, afraid of succeeding. Am I prejudiced? Maybe. Most likely though, I am just scared out of my mind. God help me with my attitude today, help me to find compassion within, so that I can spread it outside.

In Defense of my God, Round 1

I enjoy debating every once in a while, it gets the juices flowing and helps me to practice formulating my thoughts in a dignified manner. Living in Massachusetts, it is rare to come across a Republican, so I tend to discuss matters with like minded people. For the past week or so I have been having a debate with someone I respect, but with whose views I completely disagree with. It is agree to disagree time, as there is no way that I can believe the bible to be 100 percent accurate and true and evolution to be false. What I do need to explore today however, is my strong reactions to some of the debate points. Must I defend my spirituality to another being, aside from God? No. So my need to defend it must be masking an underlying emotion. My first guess would be fear. Am I playing the Mother Bear, defending her cub who was an atheist for a time, now agnostic? Probably, but what is the irrational need to answer and explain my spiritual practice? Am I scared that my God will spite me like the God in the bible does, or am I still in the fragile "first dates" time in my relationship with Divine? Am I afraid that my spirituality won't be able to evolve? I was always a little different from the rest of the children on the playground, the one who just didn't fit in. Now my understanding of the Divine and Sacred is unique, that doesn't make it wrong, and it doesn't make it right for others. Saint Francis wanted us to love rather than be loved. I can practice this with people who don't agree with my views. It doesn't make either of us wrong, it just makes us different. Is different really such a bad place to be? I think not. Today, I will cease fighting, I will allow others to have opinions and I will value my own, as being exactly the way it needs to be at this point in time. But for further reading this book was recommended by another dear friend! God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything