Go Away Barbie, some of us have thighs.

I recently found an essay in my archives and shared it on Hub Pages: http://hubpages.com/hub/What-do-an-Anorexic-and-Barbie-have-in-Common
A friend and I were in the midst of a ten mile run and the topic of body image came up. Here we were, two healthy fit women, and we were picking apart our bodies. I lamented the fact that I was not at my target weight, whatever that is, and my friend who is gorgeous, was not satisfied with hers. Many women I talk to are not completely satisfied with their appearance. There is an entire medical practice that feeds off this dissatisfaction, plastic surgery. If I had been born at a different time I might have been considered too thin, as women were considered desirable if they had ample heft to bear children. Today I fall out of the cultural ideal, as waif -like models prance down the runaway and anorexia is an actual illness. I filled out a job application over the summer that asked my height and weight. I was honest, and never heard from them. Moving through a particularly scary time in my life, filled with transition and uncertainty, I find myself reaching for something on the outside to fill up an internal hole that is present whenever I live in fear. Today it is the obtainment of a body that may not be attainable. Tomorrow it may be sugar, diet soft drinks, or cigarettes. Addiction rears its ugly head in many different forms. One thing these all have in common is that it is an external solution to an internal problem. Wayne Dyer in one of his talks mentions that human made problems are not solved by human made solutions. The best answers are spiritual answers. The answer to all my problems today is to strengthen my relationship with my God, as I understand that God. I can take care of myself, live in a healthy manner, eat right, exercise and abstain from drugs and alcohol, but the aforementioned practices are only one part of the answer. I need to be content with who I am right now, my weight, my height, my skin color, and my life situation. Running 26.2 may help me to become healthier, and release much stress, but it is not the end all. I need to be content with who I am as a person without the external stuff, and that only comes when I stay connected with Source. Because I sure ain't Barbie.

Conversations with Agnostics

God just happens. That is what I believe. But there are days when I get sucked into fear, and it becomes a drug. The terror of not knowing I will be ok, when I am not connected to God, shoots adrenaline through my veins. I believe that it can become addictive, this living in constant fear, ready to flee at a moments notice. Over the last 24 hours the fear has spiked, being down to my last 50$ until late September, I get pulled in by the fear, forgetting that at every other time in my life when this has happened, a lucrative job comes by my way or unexpected money is found lurking. It is easier to stay in that fear, feel the difference it makes in my physilogical body, than to turn it over to a God that cannot be seen or heard, or proven to exist. It is more challenging knowing that everything is as it should be, and that as long as I keep taking small actions today I will be ok. That sounds like madness when credit card companies start to call. But today, after 24 hours of fear I wrote a poem on the magnetic poetry message board that I share with my teenage son. I wrote:

When grace happens
Then slips away
Silent into
The waking night.

And fear creeps in
With claws of sand
And eyes that withdraw
All delight.

Does one run and hide?
Or show one's face
To return to light
And return to grace.

He replied with a poem from an agnostic's point of view. How could I know God exists if I cannot see or touch her? How could there be a God with so much pain and suffering in the world? The place in me that lives in fear asks that. How do I know that it will all turn out the way it should, that I will land on my feet yet again. I don't, that is where I need to be, practicing faith. For five minutes I can sit with God, and know that I am connected, then for four I can sit with fear and wish to run. Then maybe I will try six with God. Over and over until I make progress. The answer to his agnostic point of view?

I breathe in God
with scent of roses
I feel God in sparkling grass
with dew on summer mornings.

God walks beside me
and brings me pleasure
It is I who choose
to be a conveyor of torture.

For my six minutes right now I choose to be a conveyor of peace. At this very moment I know that everything is as it should be. I am whole, happy, healthy and free.

Rainbow Toes

I can feel the cool bite in the morning air now as we near September. When summer arrives, shoes come off and our feet touch the grass and something mystical happens. We connect with earth, toes grip the ground, heels dig into soil. I painted my toes rainbow colors the other day. This small act made me very happy, much more so than 5$ worth of nail polish should have. But there is something about the summer and being part of the surrounding world. We swim in the ocean, walk barefoot in grass, lie on beach sand and stretch out on rocks by raging waterfalls. Autumn comes, socks go on, jackets get zipped up, the days become shorter and we start to spend more time inside. No wonder winter sometimes bring with it depression. Our connections with solid and liquid earth are broken, we are floating free in the breeze, or flying through the air after hitting ice. I kayaked today with my dad, the water cradling both boat and driver. I was in the pond, surrounded by dragonflies and lily pads and Great blue heron. I am beginning to mourn the loss of summer, with its many pleasures and ways to experience the divine. This winter I will continue to paint my toes rainbow colors, so that I may conjure up the feeling of bare feet in smooth grass. Maybe I can even find the mystical in the warmth of spices and apples and warm meals by the fireplace. Or I could go bare foot anyway, my toes are done.

Treading Water

I am an instant gratification gal. I like to learn how to do something and be perfect at it the first time out. If certain things are not going fast enough, I get antsy and wonder if they were flawed to begin with. I despise treading water, staying in one place merely to keep one's head above water. This morning I explored that concept in my writing. What is it about staying in one place that actually scares me? I am still moving, although I am not moving forward. Certain relationships and career moves have been like this. I am frequently looking for the next goal to achieve and miss the fact that when one is treading water, one is able to stay floating in deep water. It doesn't always have to be onward ho, life can present opportunities to slow down and experience things more intimately. Staying in one place allows one to go deeper into relationship and experience, learning the details, and ultimately connecting on a spiritual basis. If I glance at a leaf for a few seconds I miss the details, the veins that run and create beautiful patterns, the bumps and imperfections, the color variations and texture. If I can slow down today I might have a chance to actually see life as it is unfolding, in its simplicity and splendor. But not right now because I have to run, Ciao.

Running Meditation

I am coming up on an anniversary of sorts, and every year at the end of summer I make a spiritual goal for the upcoming year. This past year's goal was to add a regular meditation practice to my day. Finally, over the last month I have set my alarm clock 15 minutes earlier, compensating by setting the actual time ahead a bit so I don't psychologically feel it, and have been starting the day with a ten minute silent meditation. I also found that there are other types of mediation that I can incorporate into my day. I use my time running as meditation, and find that when I return I am a little bit calmer than I was in the beginning. In this running meditation there is cadence (feet hitting pavement), breathing (especially on uphills), and a mantra (I hope I don't die, I hope I don't die). One of my favorite routes takes me from road to trail, running through pine forest, over rocks, and traversing a stream filled with cattails. As soon as I hit the trail my pace picks up, and I seem to receive energy from the woods. It is almost as if I am connecting with ancestors who ran trails through pines, running from saber tooth tiger or traveling to another village. My speed picks up and I experience the total joy of running. At these moments I am fully present and aware. I think that that is a goal of meditation, awareness of the body, the present moment, and the breath. I believe this culture leans toward frantic doing. Meditation brings me to frantic being. I guess that is a step in the right direction.

God is Everything, Everything is God

Last night I wandered out into my backyard, for the briefest of moments. As I live in the country I could see millions of stars in the black night. If each of those stars represent a solar system, and I saw only a very small piece of the sky, there must be trillions of stars and planets out there. If so, I was a tiny, minuscule piece of a vast whole. If God or Goddess, or Great Spirit can create the Universe, my tiny prayers are like asking for a penny from Donald Trump. If the Universe is made by God, and I am part of that, I am God's creation and as so, I am a tiny piece of a miracle. Miracles do not sit by while others talk down to them. Miracles do not abuse their bodies. Miracles are filled with abundance and splendor. I have forgotten to look at my life as a miracle filled with unimaginable pleasures, dragonflies and hummingbirds, rose petals and cumulus clouds, pine forests and soft husky noses. The past few days I have been filled with fear, financial fears and fear of survival. I have not considered myself a miracle and part of God. I have forgotten that if I tap into the abundance that surrounds me I become part of that abundance. I can imagine my life as serene and thus look for the serenity in it. Feeling pass, I know that, and they pass quicker when I stay connected. The morning light has changed as the days get shorter, as my attitude changes with each passing experience. Today I pray to stay in serenity, abundance and God's love. Today I pray to be able to give away that serenity.

Afraid Not

I am still trying to figure out fear. Why? Not sure. I have moments during the day when I feel in tune with the Universe, that all is going to be OK, and other times when I lose that connection and feel like a frayed knot dangling in a wind storm. The fear tells me that I suck, that I am alone and will be unhappy. The fear wants me to be unhappy. Why do I keep allowing it into my life? If someone were to come to my door, bearing a pile of dung, saying, "I don't like you, I hope you have a horrible day," would I let them into my home? No. So why do I entertain fear on a daily basis. Everything is as it should be right now. I am taken care of by my higher power every moment of every day. There are just extended moments during the day that I choose to wallow in the unease that comes from being scared out of my mind about some future possibility that I have absolutely no control over yet may not even happen. That is insane. Where I am at today, what bills are paid or not paid, may or may not be where I am tomorrow. And where I am tomorrow, if I wake up in the morning, is just where I need to be for my spiritual growth. So am I afraid because I like the feeling of despair, or am I afraid for absolutely no reason other than that it is a habit? I watched a hummingbird feed at the window the other day. He stuck his long beak at the feeder, then tried to find other openings, flying underneath and poking at the plastic. I watched him, eat, rest, check things out, and eat again for ten minutes. In those ten minutes I was not afraid of anything. I was completely in the moment given to me. Deep breath, feel the fear, and tell it to hit the road. I don't want the gifts it has to give.