Fighting with God: Round Two, Tea Time

I had a dream last night, where I sat in front of a machine that doled out coins, one at a time, in a slow methodical fashion. I sometimes feel that the Universe does this to me, doling out what I need, one thing at a time, never an outpouring, just a coin here and a coin there. Of course this is not the way the Universe works. There is an infinite abundance out there waiting for me, infinite love, security, laughter, and as Mike Dooley would say, possibilities. The problem dear reader is what is always is, me. M. E. Somehow, at some point I convinced myself that I was only worthy of just a little, a trickle, so that is what I receive. And when I ask for help, I only ask for just enough, just a bit. Now I have done enough work on myself to know that I am a child of God, that I am worthy of plugging into the power of the Universe. But today I overslept, I forgot to eat until 2pm and was unable to take my stress relieving six mile run per usual. It is freezing rain outside and I am "trapped" at home with me, myself and I (and a surly teenager). I have no boyfriend next to me to reassure me that I am worthy, I am a grown up so my parents aren't going to come into my room with milk and cookies and kind words. It is just us, me, myself and God. God, the one who I am mad at, again, although today the anger has softened at the edges. I have seven cents in my pocket and an almost empty oil tank. I have one semester of school to go until I am employable. If I am to pull through this I better have God, because, I know, from past experiences that when I turn my will and life over to my God, the pieces of my life fall into place. I just happen to be trying to jam the wrong piece into a jigsaw and getting frustrated when it doesn't fit. Again I need to out down the boxing gloves and do the next right thing. I will email, yet again the woman at the fuel assistance office. I will write another blog post, start my homework, peek at my resume and scrape off my car. I will fill my belly with food and light a fire in the fireplace, and I will connect with God. I will steep myself in God's love, I will leave the teabag in, just for today, because I am worth it. And tomorrow I will set my alarm and start again.

Great Expectations

I have always harbored a negative connotation for the word "expectation" and I am not sure why. Some folks say that expectations are premeditated resentments. This can be true, although an expectation is awaiting a future event, but I seem to place expectations on people as well. I expect that so and so will do this, or act in such a way. I believe that I set the bar extremely high so that when one does not live up to my ideal I will have an excuse to a) feel sorry for myself or b) feel superior. What is missing is a positive expectation, such as "I expect that this day will be amazing, fantastic and filled with wonder." Why does my human brain go right into a fear- based attitude? Am I devolving? Am I returning to my cave girl roots when I needed to be prepared for hungry T-Rex s, or rather saber - toothed tigers? I somehow need to train my brain to expect positive outcomes rather than heading straight to fear. Life isn't meant to be difficult, it is meant to be filled with love. I usually place expectations on those that are closest to me, and rather than ask for what I need in a relationship I expect the other person to read my mind and provide me with whatever it is that they supposedly should be providing me with. This is not fair to others. It also leaves my Higher Power standing there, ready to provide me with what I actually need rather than what I think I need. So my expectations are one more thing that keep me from a full and loving relationship with God. Plain and simple. Today I am choosing to turn over my expectations to my God. I know that in doing so I will have an amazing love-filled day. As long as I remember that whatever happens in this day is for my highest good. I don't plan on meeting any hungry extinct creatures and should stop planning for their arrival. Instead I look forward to a day brimming with light and love. There, that's not so scary is it?

Surfacing

I recently went through a dark period, where I was oozing negativity and self pity. I believe that I hit a bottom of sorts, like diving into a pool and touching the floor. Instead of staying underwater and holding my breath, I chose to push myself back to the surface. This resurfacing has been an exhilarating process, mostly because I gave myself a hard push, I didn't wait to float slowly. I placed my feet on the bottom and used all of my strength to push. This push came from a daily practice of radical gratitude and love. I listened to an inspirational CD about the power of attraction and love to escape my thinking and started to repeat the words "thank you" over and over. I told each driver that passed me that "I love you." I started to stay present for short periods of time (ten seconds or so.) I allowed my Higher Power back into my life. Fear and poverty consciousness has a way of debilitating me, pushing me underwater where I forget to breathe and feel the weight of the world pressing in. Allowing for gratitude forces me to see miracles, to experience miracles and remember that I am never alone, ever. This time it wasn't enough to ask my God for help, I had to actively take the help by forcing myself to see the world as a blessing. I had to do the work first and then God took over. Today I watched my Siberian huskies romp in the two feet of snow that fell overnight. I ran behind them feeling the joy that is available to me if I only get out of my own way. Thank you for this glorious day.

Gratitude

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Of Paper Towels, Purple Shoes and Miracles

This past week has been an interesting one to say the least. I have been observing my reactions to life's challenges, and although the patterns haven't quite gelled, the mixed metaphors are aplenty. Observation number 1: I am like a paper towel, capable of extreme self - absorption. Just call me the quicker picker upper. Observation number 2: Not only do I absorb, but I drink in negativity and fear. It is a party here, pour me another please and make it extra weepy with a few shots of rage. I am like an addict getting drunk on fear, anger and self justification. It hasn't been easy hanging out with me for the last few days, it is actually kind of a drag. But but but, I want to scream. Maybe it is time to make up with God, because when I separate myself from the Divine, I become a real pain in the ass.  This morning I started to say thank you, over and over again, because when I am in fear I am not in gratitude. I will take this week's experience with poverty and I will use it in my writing. I can understand why folks get tired and cranky when their pantries hold no food. I can understand how hard it is to ask for help, how shame creeps in when one has to ask for help just to survive. I can understand what it feels like to be cold because oil is just too expensive. Great, I have learned those lessons. Now I can get out of it, ask God for help, and start looking at the amazing miracle my life is. I live in the most beautiful apartment, have a fabulous son, animals that wake me up in the morning, friends overflowing, and I have purple shoes. I have enough food for today, enough oil for today, enough gas in the car for today, and the more I say thank you, the less power the negativity has over me. I put down the paper towels and print out a resume. I pour out the glass and write this entry. I put on a warm fluffy sweatshirt, thank God for my life and wake up to miracles.

Fighting with God: Round One

God and I are fighting. Rather, I am throwing a temper tantrum and God is the target. When I am fighting with God I am forgetting all that I receive in a daily basis. I am not practicing gratitude. I still am ticked, and tired and scared, and I know that my Higher Power is the only one I can yell at, curse, and still be loved unconditionally. So yesterday I screamed, I ranted, I raved and God loved and loved and loved, and told me quietly to get my resume in order. This morning I moaned and groaned and wallowed. And God told me gently to write. So my well isn't working, my heat isn't working and my pantry is almost empty and I moan and cry and pray. And God is there, taking the blows until I calm down, breathe and acknowledge what I have, amazing gifts, friends, family, laughter, and joy. Because when it really comes down to it, I am not actually fighting with God, I am fighting with myself. I am the one that made the choices that inevitably brought me to the present situation. And I am also close to accomplishing two major goals, graduating from college and obtaining a divorce. When I come close to making life easier for myself I seem to end up creating a wee bit of chaos, just to shake things up a bit. Because as much as I am afraid of failing, of falling on my face and losing what I have and of not making it, I am petrified of succeeding. I am like a boxer in the ring, waiting to be knocked out so I don't have to have my hand raised high with a referee shouting "winner." That pesky little fear is at it again, this time it snuck in the backdoor when I was feeling connected to Spirit. So just for today I am going to put the gloves down, because when I am fighting it, God cannot help me. Today no one wins, but today I surrender.

Survival Means Forgetting God

This is my brain, well, maybe it is a representation of my brain. Right there in the Pons and Medulla is where my primal instincts reside, instincts that have been firing lately, that have been literally kicking my butt. These instincts tell me to collect, to hold, to keep everything I have and not let go because my survival is at stake. I know for a fact that whenever I turn my will and my life to my God and let go, miraculous things happen, my world opens up and opportunities fall at my feet. I am in survival mode however, stuck in the brain stem. Being a full time student I have been living on a drastically reduced income. This is my third year of doing so, and I know that the ends always get met, that I always manage to muddle through. Lately however I feel that a primal part of me has taken over, and that primal part is tired of getting calls from bill collectors, is tired of waking up in the middle of the night wondering how to pay my car insurance and is tired of wondering just how I am going to provide enough food for a teenage boy to live on. Usually when I get into this mode I can turn to my spirituality, but I am tired and I am scared and I am afraid and exhausted. I want the degree so that I will be employable, I just have to make it another four months. The answer, blah, blech, I know the answer. It is gratitude, it is prayer and meditation, it is looking at the world with wonder and it is allowing others to help me, it is asking for help and it is knowing that God will provide. Today, just for today as I sit in front of the fire place, waiting for my fuel assistance to finally go through, I can be grateful for how much I do have, health, family and friends, shelter, food enough for today, a car, and the ability to run. I am rich, I have a full magnificent life, I just need to stay away from the fear that takes over when I go into survival mode. Pesky little Medulla.

New Years

Happy New Year everyone. A few days ago we celebrated the beginning  of 2011  and the time of year when we set goals for the upcoming 365 days. One notices an increase in fellow folk at the gym and a decrease in the packs of cigarettes sold per day. For me however, a year is too large a chunk of time to plan for and my goals become unmanageable. I go for the "lose 20 pounds" instead of "eat healthier." All I have is today, all I can handle is today. My New Years Resolutions this year? Not to make a resolution and stay in the day, remain in the moment and set small doable goals for myself. Today I will remember that every day is a fresh start, I don't have to radically change my life on January 1, I can make small changes throughout the year. That feels doable.