Friday, July 2, 2010

Mean Girl Part 1

Someone shared a story the other day about how he would allow pedestrians to cross in the crosswalk, but he couldn't allow them if they weren't between those magic lines. Something about this anecdote  jarred me into an aha moment, or a realization about myself, a very uncomfortable, painful realization. I can be a meanie sometimes. Sure I have been working very hard over the last ten years to become a better person, a woman of dignity, honor and grace. But there is still a mean girl stuck inside, and she not only jabs others, but herself as well. I have been working as a teacher's aide this past week, to see if it is a field I should even be considering as I head into my senior year of college, 20 years late mind you, but better than never. One of the students wasn't focusing on her project after repeated reminders. I thought she should find out the hard way what happens to little ones who go off into never never land, she would learn the hard way. The teacher, however, came up with a different solution, to move her seat so she wouldn't get distracted. The teacher's solution was the way of compassion. I tend to have this attitude, let em learn the hard way, and today I know that it is only because I myself had to learn the hard way. It is the only way I know. Baby at 19, divorce at 30, school at 35, I have worked my ass off to get to this point in my life, a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin. But not everyone needs to experience life that way. I don't have to experience life that way. Now my baby is going into his senior year of high school, maybe just maybe that is part of the plan. I will be "free" of child rearing responsibilities (read that lightly) by the time I am 40. I will be able to travel, take courses, get married, who knows what else, and do it all while still young, or at least before I enter a nursing home. I haven't had a drink or drug since August of 2000, and yes, it took a lot of work, but maybe that work was just a little mental exercise to prepare me for a full and exciting life. Who but God knows? What I know right now is that I have a mean streak and something needs to be done about it. That is what part 2 will bring!

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