Sunday, July 25, 2010
On Wednesday my computer crashed, and my files, my writing, my photographs and music all went with it. I didn't handle the situation with grace. My initial reaction was to give up everything, my last year of school, my writing, and apply at McDonalds. When that didn't appeal my second reaction was to break up with my boyfriend, for no reason, just to make life worse. I spent a lot of time drivng back and forth to fix my computer and make the dreaded trip to Best Buy to browse. After many failed attempts at loading vista, I finally asked for extra help. It was scary but the answer Ireceived from the computer expert solved my problem. What did this teach me? I still have default settings, reactions that automatically rear their ugly heads when stress occurs. One is to leave, to give up, to take off, to stir up trouble. It was during this time that I needed a trusted friend to pull my head out of the sludge and look at things in a different way. Yes I ended up recovering many of the documents, including the novel I was writing (minus some pages). Yes I am in a healthy relationship with someone who truly loves me. Yes I have all I need right now to continue on my path. Gratitude kicks the ass of my unhealthy default setting. Today I will slow down, accept that I lost time, that I recovered my computer, that maybe just maybe I should look at attachments to earthy things, the attachments that cause me great distress when lost. Am I making a computer a power greater than myself? Does it act as a vehicle to numb myself, much as drugs or alcohol may have done in the past? I don't know.