Monday, January 3, 2011

Survival Means Forgetting God

This is my brain, well, maybe it is a representation of my brain. Right there in the Pons and Medulla is where my primal instincts reside, instincts that have been firing lately, that have been literally kicking my butt. These instincts tell me to collect, to hold, to keep everything I have and not let go because my survival is at stake. I know for a fact that whenever I turn my will and my life to my God and let go, miraculous things happen, my world opens up and opportunities fall at my feet. I am in survival mode however, stuck in the brain stem. Being a full time student I have been living on a drastically reduced income. This is my third year of doing so, and I know that the ends always get met, that I always manage to muddle through. Lately however I feel that a primal part of me has taken over, and that primal part is tired of getting calls from bill collectors, is tired of waking up in the middle of the night wondering how to pay my car insurance and is tired of wondering just how I am going to provide enough food for a teenage boy to live on. Usually when I get into this mode I can turn to my spirituality, but I am tired and I am scared and I am afraid and exhausted. I want the degree so that I will be employable, I just have to make it another four months. The answer, blah, blech, I know the answer. It is gratitude, it is prayer and meditation, it is looking at the world with wonder and it is allowing others to help me, it is asking for help and it is knowing that God will provide. Today, just for today as I sit in front of the fire place, waiting for my fuel assistance to finally go through, I can be grateful for how much I do have, health, family and friends, shelter, food enough for today, a car, and the ability to run. I am rich, I have a full magnificent life, I just need to stay away from the fear that takes over when I go into survival mode. Pesky little Medulla.

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