Wednesday, November 4, 2009
To Change or Not to Change,
That is the question. I sometimes wonder how I can desperately want and not want something at the same time. This is true for me of changing. I look for things to be thrilling, to constantly change, be fresh, and for new exciting adventures to come along. The moment they do, I turn tortoise. I look at relationships that have an even trajectory, just humming along from day to day, predictable and safe, and I get frustrated. But, if I have the opportunity to change these relationships I freeze and revert to old habits. I clam up and not allow others to see what is really going on in my life. Things become fine, life becomes good, and I miss an opportunity to grow closer to another human being. I lose the chance to be vulnerable and allow others to see who I am, all of me, hard shell and all. I stop all forward movement and stagnate. Why is that? Fear of the unknown? After all, just how many people can say they have a clue as to who I am? My dog seems to be leading the pack in this one. It takes courage to open up and allow change, either to oneself or one’s relationships and position in the world. Being a turtle is cool, but gets boring after a while. Maybe today I will peek out and tell someone I am scared. Maybe not. That very thought is a small step.