Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fortune Cookies be Damned

School has started again and so have long days, long commutes and a messy house. This semester I would like to set a goal, to allow myself to have a messy house without it being a reflection of me personally. I am taking five classes and commuting an hour and twenty minutes, each way. The work load is astronomical, and I still expect myself to be able to handle life on the outside perfectly. Maybe the Wonderwoman complex has taken over my life, without the outfit (the thighs aren't there yet). Maybe I enjoy setting myself up, so that in the end I can say, "Yes, I just can't juggle," or "I just can't do this without a partner," or, "This is what happens when you wait to go to school." Excuses stacked up in a neat pile in the back of my brain that allow me an out if I don't do as well as I want. So it will not be really my fault if I fail. But who is talking about failure except the scared girl in the background, who really doesn't know that she can really do this on her own. I want to know that it will all be ok, that I will get my degree and get a great writing job, or sell a book. I want the future to be laid out in front of me. But the future cannot be seen, even fortune cookies say things now like, "Wisdom is the key to a better sex life," and "You are competent, brave and hairy." It comes down to faith, which is something that I would like to cultivate. Now is my chance. When I get down to 11$ in my checking account and I have 4 papers due and no gas, will I really be able to know that I will be taken care of by my God, or will I just use that as excuse #425.6 to give up and apply at Dunkin Donuts. Who knows, I cannot tell the future quite yet, but maybe if I crack open just one more cookie I will know.

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