Monday, July 20, 2009
For some reason, this morning I was remembering an incident that took place 15 years ago, and a resentment that has been taking up space in my head and not paying rent. One evening I was waitressing at Red Lobster, and had a table of six. One young man at the table had a Williams College sweatshirt on. At some point during the meal I remarked that Williams was one of my school picks. I was in my early twenties and just getting back on track after a 3 year derailment. The mother at the table remarked that I probably couldn't afford to go there. That one statement, made just as an aside without malice, has stayed with me for years. I seethed with anger after she said it, how dare she say that, just because I was a waitress did not mean that I wasn't smart enough or savvy enough to get into a great school. The thing is, and it just dawned on me this morning, reliving it, was that some part of me must have believed it. There was a part of me that needed someone to make it alright that I had not yet achieved a goal I had set. It did take me many more years before I transferred from my local community college, and maybe she did me a favor. There is a piece of me that sometimes just wants to say, see, I did it, you were so wrong. That piece kept me in school long enough to transfer. That woman has taken up space in my head for fifteen years. But now I am evicting her, because I do believe that I can get into a great school, I did last year, and the school I am in is a much better match. I am, however dating someone who graduated from Williams. I think the track has cleared.