Friday, September 16, 2011

It just might be time for a nap...

I have been putting off writing this post for a few weeks now, resistance is a powerful force, and is futile, as the Borg say. But what I resist is what I know I need to look at. On September 1, my son went off to college, leaving a very quiet, empty home. I am also no longer a student and at present have no job title. And this is exactly where I need to be at the moment. My person has been stripped of cultural markers, labels and identities. I am no longer a single working mom or a student and I am no longer (insert job title here.) What is left when we strip away the external words that identify us as legitimate members of society? I have had much quiet time lately, time to think (not always a productive way to spend time,) write, meditate and be with God. I am not alone and I am whole because I am spirit, but it is hard to force my way past the voices (don't worry now) that tell me I should be doing more, that I am not worth anything unless I am actively contributing to society. But when I force life to happen (such as sending out 40 resumes with spelling errors or frantically texting my child) God has a way of gently coercing me down a different trail, usually toward quiet, unplanned solitude. I have to allow life to unfold while taking the next right action. What does it feel like to be, without a purpose? Pretty scary to this workaholic, but that is what needs to happen. I need to sit in the unknown, without any answers and learn to feel comfortable there. My soul needs to just hang out, without my ego expecting her to perform, to do, to hustle through the day. Who am I without, labels? The question seems cliche, but is relevant because I don't know the answer. I have a feeling though, that if I just make peace with the quiet, some knowledge might come. And if it doesn't, at least I will have gotten a lot of use out of my hammock. 

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