Sunday, December 12, 2010

Writer's Doubt

Move over writer's block, you I can handle, what is kicking my butt today is writer's doubt, that little nagging sense in my brain that says: "are you sure you can do this?" I opened a much anticipated email the other day, only to read the words: "Although you were among many talented applicants, I am unable to fit you into the class. You are being placed on  the waiting list." To me this actually says, you suck, but if one of the brilliant students that got into the class drops it there will be a place for you. I was struck by a huge case of Writer's Doubt, with all the symptoms, tears, self pity, and a drive to McDonalds for an employment application. Yes I know that it is just one part of being a writer, learning to accept rejection. I'm just not very good at it (learning to accept rejection that is) although those days when writer's doubt manifests I believe that I can't write either. I sit here, tapping away at the keys, writing a post for this blog and wonder who exactly will read these words, besides my mother (hey mom are you out there?) What is the purpose of writing if no one reads your words? Is it like the tree in the woods, falling? Does it create a sound if no one is there? Therein lies the problem. My problem. Not only am I afflicted with writer's doubt, I have also forgotten that I believe in a Higher Power that loves me, that is always there, no matter what. I need to return to my basic need for words, because I need them as much as I need air, food and sunlight. I need to write because my soul craves it, because it allows me to become a better person, it enables me to purge the fear and the doubt, to place them on the page, so that when I enter the world what is left is love and wacky hair. So I guess the cure for writer's doubt is God, plain and simple, whatever that vision of God looks like. Today if I remember that I am never alone, that my Universe is here with me right now, reading over my shoulder, the tears and the fears and the doubt disappear. Is there anybody out there?  Yes.

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